Sunday, February 01, 2009

Bye bye Baby

I wish I could just cook up the courage to do something to stop you from fading away again. But this time, I can do nothing. Just wanted to hide and wait it out.

I shall just watch you. Leaving. For a life that is so rightfully yours.

Trying hard not to do anything. Trying is the hardest, indeed.

Talking made it worse.

Crying made me weaker.

Waiting for just anything. A joyride out of the wrecked downs.


As unbearable as it can be. It just gotta be a way.

- - - - - - - - - -

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.


Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.


Happy Ending - Mika

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Hate to say this

But contentment and joy are really non-existent in the life I am leading now.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The Dark World

I must admit… it is under the influence of Vinz that I started picking up politics news. He can be pragmatic and overly-critical about the political happenings which, at times, I will research on the subjects just to find a hint of positivism. A debate of Optimism in the Humankind will commence with the intention to brainwash him that- Goodwill and Hopes will still prevail, in the end. The debates usually ended with my defeats, which are mostly signified with my pretenses of disinterest and silence….

As I read up on Taliban, the alarming knowledge of their operations once again reinforce in my lack of faith in Religion. Religion is used as a weapon to gain control by inflicting fear and pain on people. Their treatment of women is outrageous. The rules they enforce on Afghans are senseless.

Massacres like the below excerpt from Wikipedia, made one doubt the existence of God.

‘The worst attack on civilians came in summer of 1998 when the Taliban swept north from
Herat to the predominantly Hazara and Uzbek city of Mazar-i-Sharif, the largest city in the north. Entering at 10 am on 8 August 1998, for the next two days the Taliban drove their pickup trucks "up and down the narrow streets of Mazar-i-Sharif shooting to the left and right and killing everything that moved -- shop owners, cart pullers, women and children shoppers and even goats and donkeys."More than 8000 noncombatants were reported killed in Mazar-i-Sharif and later in Bamiyan. Contrary to the injunctions of Islam, which demands immediate burial, the Taliban forbade anyone to bury the corpses for the first six days while they rotted in the summer heat and were eaten by dogs. In addition to this indiscriminate slaughter, the Taliban sought out and massacred members of the Hazara, a mostly Shia ethnic group, while in control of Mazar.’

And..... for what godforsaken reasons do they have, to torture and kill animals?

‘At the Kabul zoo most animals were killed or left to starve. When the Taliban first entered the city zoo after taking over Kabul, one Taliban soldier "jumped into a bear's cage and cut off his nose, reputedly because the animal's beard was not long enough." At the lion's den another fighter leapt inside and proclaimed, `I am the lion now!` The lion killed him, but another Taliban soldier "threw a grenade into the den, blinding the animal." The noseless bear, blind lion, and two wolves, "were the only [zoo] animals that survived the Taliban rule.’

Good on you~ Mighty ol’ Lion!

Somewhere much closer to Home, Myanmar is also creating tension with its tyranny. As I followed closely to the updates, there were a couple of things that I disagree.

‘Meanwhile protests in support of the Myanmar demonstrators were picking up pace in several nations. Around 2,000 people held a protest in Malaysia (MSN.news).’

Protest in Malaysia? What kind of positive outcome do they hope to accomplish out of that action? Will Myanmar government goes: ‘Awwww…. 2000 Malaysians are protesting too! Let’s stop this nonsense right now!’

Come on…. Besides creating disturbance and inconvenience for the Malaysian police and citizens, the protest did nothing else much. Something more constructive like money donations or worldwide petitions to raise awareness and unite the World to quell the dictatorship, will be better?

Msnews.com report:

Japan, one of Myanmar's main donors, said Tuesday it was cancelling grants of about 4.7 million dollars over the fatal shooting of a Japanese journalist when security forces put down last month's huge protests.’

‘On Monday, European Union foreign ministers approved a new set of sanctions against the junta including an embargo on the export of wood, gems and metals, and threatened further penalties.’


I am unsure about these moves as appropriate remedies; as it appeared that Myanmar is pushing its head ahead, claiming everything is under control.

‘But Myanmar’s military leaders have rebuffed calls for reforms, saying the only way to bring change is to follow the junta’s seven-step “road map” to democracy, which is supposed to culminate with elections at an unspecified date.
So far, only the plan’s first stage — drawing up guidelines for a new constitution — has been completed, and that took more than a decade. Critics say the road map is a ruse to allow the military to stay in power (MSNBC.com).’


I personally feel that the international sanctions on Myanmar might snowball into a catastrophe that one can imagine. With no revenue, the Military might resort to robbing its own people to fund the war… or even taking them as hostages to negotiate. Goodness.... Myanmar can be the worst nightmarish living hell to survive in.

On the other hand, one of the UN tactics remains to be uncertain….


The United Nations sent Ibrahim Gambari, a top trouble-shooter, to Myanmar after the crackdown to meet junta chief Than Shwe and Aung San Suu Kyi, who is held in detention at her Yangon home. (MSN.news).’


In response:

The success, if any, of his visit was not immediately apparent. One female activist was quoted saying, “We hoped for so much and what we feel is that he achieved nothing... He should have visited the places of the demonstrations – like
Pakkoku and the Shwedagon Pagoda. He should have visited the infamous Insein Prison, then he would have seen the truth.(The Times)’

In midst of these disturbing news, I found myself a heroine- an renowned Prisoner Of Conscience, Aung San Suu Kyi. Her steadfast loyalty to her people, to her beliefs and visions held my admiration… She commands respect for enduring decades of loneliness without her family by her side yet remain strong and determined to stand against all odds.

Perhaps, there are still hopes for humanity....



Thursday, October 04, 2007

No One

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cuz
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cuz
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel
I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have

I know people will try try to divide something so real
So til the end of time I'm telling you there is no one
No one, no one, no one

Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

- Alicia . Keys . -

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Chance

This is my ninth day in Sydney. Seeing Ethan again is just fabulous. He is still the same sweet and loving friend- but with a grey cloud of stress and gloom around him. Work assignment here isn’t that smooth and I have been waiting for him up late these nights. Well, just wanna be there for him for an hour or two... before he passed out on bed till the next morning and head for work early in the morning.

Throughout my stay, I have been hibernating in the studio apartment, working on a group project while my Aussie groupmate seemed to be missing in action. Kinda worried she will pull a fast one on me…. But I’m keeping my cool as with my current research report will garner a Pass anyway. This is my last semester… and seriously- I can’t be bothered too much with academic stuff. All I can think is about homecoming and travel plans.

When boredom started to cave in, I went for walks. Spent 3 hours with lappie in Starbucks. Watched a delightful Hairspray. You may not believe it but I yet to shop for anything, where our apartment is in midst of shopping paradise. Just don’t have the cash and mood for it. Sorry, Chiam…. Might not be able to buy any ‘I think you will like cos I don’t’ tops or dresses for you over here.

Went clubbing with Ethan last Saturday. Like always, whenever we travelled, club hopping will be a ritual. Two of us, braving the cold wind, walked from streets to streets for booze and music. Drinks were pretty cheap but the music really sucked, their lighting techniques were sub-standard, ambience was a tad tacky with loads of rowdy and crass youngsters. I miss Zouk and Café Del Mar so damn much.....

Afandi and Jenny, long-time friends of mine, took us to dinner at Bondi Beach. In fact, I just came back from a group date with them. Together with six Indonesia friends of theirs, I was unwillingly led to KTV near Hyde Park. Karaoke is not really my favourite choice of fun…. Sometimes I really wondered why people love it so much. When you bare your soul out, singing your guts out- your friends are happily talking over the music, totally oblivious of the effort going on with the microphones. Only till it is their turn… but then again, it will be your turn to make loud conversations.

What’s the point exactly? If you want to talk, a nice bar will do the trick. If you want to sing, go with a friend or just alone.

Nevertheless, I was having a nice time reading the lyrics off the screen. Busy smirking at how corny Mandarin Pop can. Most of the Mandarin songs really put me off with their lack of creativity, extreme mushiness and cheesiness. I have my reasons for loving western music. I totally dig those lyrics that are subtle in expressing emotions, yet with the power of words, sentence structures and figments of personal memories to convey meanings that caught you off guard.

Oh well, I am not going to rant about music preferences. What sent me deep in thoughts was a song duet performance by Afandi and Jenny. Afandi did not know how to read the Chinese characters on the screen and had to rely on Jenny to read out the words in hushed tone, in between her part and his. It was amazing.
He managed to get them right on the spot. Both of them sung so beautifully in harmony. This is the couple that have been together more than 10 years. As I stole sideway glances, the sight of them singing in perfect unison, her hand in his, have me sighing with envy. They are a lovely picture of Love- a perfect coupling with individual flaws. And the very existence of the bond and chemistry they share so intimately have overcome weaknesses and troubles. They stumbled through life in combined wisdom and braveness.

And I have no idea how to achieve that. Perhaps, not in this lifetime.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

It Will Take Time

She peered intently at the strange crystal ball that was perched in an elaborated ebony frame.

Glimpse of a blurry image became to surface from within. Her eyes widened in recognition as the moving image grew in clarity.


There he was, shielding her from the strong gust of wind and rain with his big frame.

It was the day when they just got to know each other through mutual friends which they hit off right away. The hilarious misadventures of hers have reached his ears and triggered the special interest to meet the unwilling Star herself. Five minutes into their initial conversation and he was off, teasing her mercilessly, which she fought back with playful sarcasm. She was ever so thrilled to find a worthy debate opponent who can bring endless of stimulating tugs of verbal war.

That puddle of water was growing swiftly in size and depth as the rain poured as if the World coming to an end. He turned to find her standing before the puddle, , contemplating if she should jump over and risk landing in the middle of the muddy water. He stretched his hand out, urging her to leap over. He will be catching her, for sure. She hesitated. After all, they just knew each other and it will be kind of awkward holding his hand…. Before she can even come to a conclusion, he has already stepped into the puddle, lifted her up like a feather and in that swift yet long moment, she was at the other side of the puddle, bewildered.

“Is this the one?” a scratchy, deep voice broke her trains of thoughts. She shook her head slowly. This piece of beautiful memory has made her feel wildly alive yet protected.

“We shall see….” A pair of shrivelled hands caressed the smooth surface of the crystal ball. An image soon came to life like a flickering old TV.

They took the long MRT ride from the West into the East- Changi Airport for a little rail adventure, an excursion and an attempt to cheer her up. They were talking about everything under the sun except for that ugly Break-up. She shared her naughty escapades and shocking stories from her work where he fulfilled her curiosity with his worldly knowledge and experiences. It seemed only rightful that he was there with her; where he had steadfastly become her confidant whom she sought solace and comfort in.

As he walked quietly beside her, she stole a glance at him. He was not a looker but there was something about him, perhaps his confidence that made him almost incredibly charming. He held that charismatic quality like a delicious perfume that lure people to him. She wondered if he ever likes her more than a friend. Dismissing the thought quickly, she decided she had enough of heartbreaks and should be contented to keep this friendship as it is.

“Well…?” She looked up at the petite old lady with a slightly crooked nose and shook her head slowly. The old lady heaved a deep sigh and continued to move her hands slowly around the crystal ball.

There was an elegant display of teapot sets in the window. She leaned forward and took a closer look at a delicate-looking teapot with the most exquisite cravings on its smooth charcoal body.

Pulling him by her side and pointed at the teapot, “There. This will be the one that I will drink my tea from… when I am old and have all the time in the world to appreciate my aromatic Chinese tea.”

“Yes. I can imagine that. I wonder if there’s someone willing to share the pot of tea with me…” and he turned to her with a strange twinkle in his eyes. She was taken back at that implying question, and looked away.

“Well.. I.. I am sure that you will find someone to do that with you. Very soon.”

They continued to stare at the teapots in silence. He was oblivious of how fast her heart was beating and what kind of chaotic state he has just thrown her mind into. Words came up to her mouth, but none spilled out. And just like that, they strolled into a café for a dinner, resuming their status as a pair of good friends.

He was always so subtle in telling her how he felt about her. Sometimes, she wished that he would come across blatantly and bold about his feelings. But he never did. And things have patched up with her then boyfriend, which left her feeling awfully guilty for thinking about another man in any way.

Her eyes began to sting as she watched the fading image of the night when they have parted for home and knowingly, for two separate ways. The old lady fixed her eyes on her client who was looking all defeated and shaky now. Crossing her arms, she held her silence in anticipation of a closed deal.

He was the one. He has always been the one. He waited for her patiently all those times, sat beside her in unspoken understanding when she had one of those quarrels with her boyfriend. And never had he failed to make her laugh. Because of his silent love and the misfortunate choice that she has picked to pledge her love to, they lost that slip of chance to be together. And here she was now; recovering that slip of chance with a price to pay and a bit of magic. She could finally make it happen and not living in regrets, like in the past seven years. Yet, there was something remaining that she needed to see.

“I want to see him. Now.”

The old lady rolled her hideous yellow eyes and began to curse in a strange language, as she smoothed her hands over the crystal ball again.

There he was, again. Smiling like a true champion as he held his son up high in the sky. His lovely pregnant wife was sitting on the perfect green grass, holding out a cup of tea for him. He sat down beside her and gave a peck on her rosy cheek. Their little angelic son was staggering straight towards the flock of pigeons that sent the birds to panic and in every direction. The couple laughed as their son squealed with delight, throwing his little arms high up, in the air.

She caught her own reflection on the crystal ball, wrecked and sorrowful. She could no longer bear to look at those images and began to sob into her hands uncontrollably. He is perfectly happy now, with or without her. And she is the only one that has yet to move on, harping on a past that she could never have, thinking how wonderful things will be if she has held onto him tightly. She wanted a chance to be able to kiss his lips and his kind eyes and whispers into his ears that that he could not be any more perfect for her.

If there is a chance to undo one of the things that you have done in the past, what will that be?

There have been no regrets in life but him. Now, here is the opportunity to undo that bad choice she made. She cleared her throat to speak, but was choked by the flood of tears that came like a crashing wave.

Just like that, an intense feeling of relief and enlightenment washed over her.

The old lady frowned as she did not like the look of it. She hastily pointed to the crystal ball which conjured an image of her in his strong arms, cuddling tightly and stroking his hairs lovingly.

“This could be your future…” she croaked hopelessly.

“Stop. Please stop it now. I know what I want for my future. It is within my love to bless him with the good life he leads now.” She pushed a wad of bills to the old lady. With that, she walked out of the room knowing that she has finally left her regret behind.


--------------------------------E.N.D---------------------------

Editorial note:
How often we let ourselves wallow in regrets of ‘if I have done this….’ Or ‘if I have not said this...’?
I learnt in a hard way that I should be moving from where I am, not back from where I was. Regret is only a result of trying to make “ourselves" happy. When you become self-consumed, you get all bitter and harsh, without realizing that life aint gonna wait for you.
And just like John Barrymore said: ‘A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.’

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Beauty and the Ordinary

Ashie: Focus... Focus.. Focus!
isnt it ironical
when u ask someone.
will u attracted by someone with beauty or humour

Ashie: Focus... Focus.. Focus!
they will always say.. humour
but as the matter of fact..
they always look for beauty...

Ashie: Focus... Focus.. Focus!
n try to see if there is humour..
if she/he dun have.. they will try to accept the 'flaw'.

Ultra超五星級大鼠~ la cuisine de la maman~
Well

Ashie: Focus... Focus.. Focus!
almost everyone noe tat it is not rite to choose beauty
but they still do so~

Ultra超五星級大鼠~ la cuisine de la maman~
it the elephant man thingy again lor
99% of ppl dun speak fr heart
dey say the right thing to say only

Ashie: Focus... Focus.. Focus!
welll....
Ashie: Focus... Focus.. Focus!
they feel guilty to say ' beauty’

Ultra超五星級大鼠~ la cuisine de la maman~
not guilty

Ultra超五星級大鼠~ la cuisine de la maman~
by system default
as kids

Ultra超五星級大鼠~ la cuisine de la maman~
teachers always inject tots in2 their brains
內在美
but in story telling time
there r no f'ugly princesses

Ultra超五星級大鼠~ la cuisine de la maman~
art class kid got low marks why?
coz their artwrk not pretty nuff

Ultra超五星級大鼠~ la cuisine de la maman~
hence the schizio syn

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When you are attending an occasion, gathering or party, which of the following that a stranger possesses will attract you most- Beauty or Humour?

Just one of the many Life questions I threw at Vinz during our MSN operational hours (12pm to 1am, Australia time, daily).

For me, I am, indeed guilty of searching for beautiful faces, however that was not enough to warrant fatal attraction. Beauty will fade after 10 minutes, when he is proven to be as dull as a school textbook. I will be off to the wackiest guy in the party, hoping to catch that infectious laughter and making merry for the rest of the night.

This is me. But this isn’t so for some. For the entire night, they will try to chat up the gorgeous ones, waiting to hit the jackpot of wholesome beauty plus character package. When you pose this question to them, they will reply in an as-a-matter-of-fact tone: Humour, of course~!

I am not talking about how they should be ashamed of choosing beauty over a person’s colourful character. Beautiful people do get better quality of life in some sense or another, which we the ordinary people need to work harder to obtain. And that is alright. We have learn to live with it~

Rather, I find it disturbing that we pretend that beauty isn’t significant. Why do we lie? Why are we embarrassed to admit that we prefer our eye-candies? Is it wrong and superficial?

Just like Vinz said: 99 % of the people do not speak from their heart.
How disheartening.