Almost Lover

I felt like a war veteran. Like deaths are imminent and inevitable. Like when you began to feel empty and void. You can almost stand physically away from yourself, looking down at the soulless body and wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

Those younger days. I used to be obsessed with the motions and meaning of romance, seeking and chasing the very grand notion of love. I brawled my eyes out with tears when they all, did not turned up too well. And every time my heart got broken, it mended itself with concrete, and sealing up the cracks.

Till now. I can no longer have sympathy for broken hearts. I refused to get melodramatic with break-ups and rejection as I considered them signs of weakness. To live for somebody else instead of self are signs of stupidness. You have to admit Love made us behave foolishly. It is not a good thing. It is a plague that blinded and pushed us to bottomless pit….

I know what came over me. Well, at least I think I do. I became selfish with my love. Self-love. Right after a disastrous relationship with Jimmy, I can no longer bring myself to throw right back into the Love river anymore. Fuck… it wasn’t worth the hell I went through.

I do not like to watch films and dramas of Romance nor a fan of Josephine Cox. They are evil and unreal. They are running politically incorrect propaganda telling people that Love has a fixed lifecycle. You met on one extraordinary day. You fell in love where, in due course something or someone will come along to destroy whatever you have. Then the drums rolled... when love prevails all. And you ended up happily ever after. It led us to believe that hard work will pay off. Star-crossed lovers will eventually have their day. Romeo and Juliet will eventually meet in heaven, throwing into deep embraces and kisses.

This perception runs so deeply in our brains… that we refused to let go when love turned sour. We fear for turmoils when love has been too sweet and perfect. We are always waiting for the happy ending and wind up jaded and disappointed when nothing of a hope drop from the sky. This kind of fairytales, I no longer believe or even want to read.

Cos it left me feeling empty and dejected.

And exceptionally lonely.