Hideout

It was one of the sweet sisterly moments shared in KL..

Lazing in hotel bed with bodies piling over each other, watching the interesting Discovery Channel, while Gerald reading out loud a love quiz from the Sisters magazine which he proudly stole from a Coffee outlet (he has the unique hobby of reading female magazines).

" You are watching a drama serial about never-ending love relationship. What will be your ideal ending?"

Gave my answer without much hesitation: "C - The male lead died in the end."

Gerald gave me a devious look after a quick scan at the quiz results.

"You have a negative outlook of love, not believing in happy ever after ending. Most likely you have been wounded deeply before, which caused the lack of trust in love anymore. By wanting the ending to be tragic, you sub-consciously wish for the suffering of the female lead.. just like you have."

I was nodding my head away, frowning at the same time. Damned... It was so true. I have became such a pathetic, sore loser after that break-up with Jimmy?

The truth is- I couldn't bring myself to get committed in a relationship anymore, not like in the past. I don't see the bright future that SHOULD have come with the ideal Relationship package- complete with 2 years of laughter and joy, an eternity life of "Come, let's share our woes" and 1 year warranty.

One by one, I watched my beloved friends getting married with the seemly most perfect guys for them.
Envy
Not cos of their new-found social status nor their legalized companionship. But the fact that they could get over the heartbreaks, moved on with life and not losing the ability to trust a man with their happiness again.

All I can see in my love life are sex, lies and videotapes....

Oops.. Sorry
I meant insecurity, hesitation and cautious treading on a thin ice of trust.

I could have loved someone with all my little heart and also fiercely protecting the possession of remaining sanity now.

I preserve my pride and sanity with nonchalant yet deep down inside, there's stormy waves of chaos and riots that kept crashing down, hard. I have chosen to ignore Jimmy's existence for over 1 year; the sufferer was only me.

Like an ill-trend, those who inflicted pain on me- avoidance is the only way I knew of, to deal with it all. It is definitely not a wise move. I know. Like I mentioned earlier, the one and only sufferer is me.

With this mentality, I couldn't bear to meet up with the group of common friends that I shared with the 'offender' anymore, all in the name of avoidance... Immature huh?

I tried to correct this silly thinking of mine by sending a birthday message to Jimmy a couple of weeks ago.
He was overly delighted... Replying that it was the best present he have received so far.

Void
I felt nothing. There was no urge to meet up as suggested by him- neither did it make me feel better or relieved.

Maybe, avoidance does help. It lets you forget the old pain and nurses the grudges~ slowly. Maybe we can get by just like this ~ Or maybe only I can....
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
For some strange reasons, I am freaking busy despite being jobless. Pretty much tied up with stuff.... moving house, helping my parents out with their business, organizing for Xmas partieS and attempting to slot in time to plan my grand business proposal, which got people so excited over (Shit.. Now there's an expectation to be meet now).
The bad timing is getting on my nerves and at times, I wished I can just disappeared into still air, surfacing only when it is time for dinner...

Currently, I have sentenced myself to isolation.
And I ask for your forgiveness and patience with the hermity me for the time being.