Separate ways

Guess I am growing to be a negative and grayish old woman like all other grumpy and loveless fellow human beings in this world… *Perhaps, soon I’ll be anti-Christmas grouch, a children-hater and.. Grasps… an aggressive aunty who fights relentlessly for a seat on the MRT.

2006 seem to set itself defiantly against me… I am stuck in a situation of piety filial, family responsibilities versus personal goals- helping my parents with their business till they found the RIGHT helper… I’m itching to explore for new job yet they can’t afford a time off for me to do so … working almost 24/7. No complaints from me… although concerned friends kept chiding about putting my foot down and seek out now.

Just have a tiff with my dad. He made an outrageous, irresponsible ‘casual’ comment about me, which stung too badly to put them in words. Although he had apologized, Mum trying to console me and make peace- I’m too proud and upset to talk to him now… Threatened in a huff that I’ll not be helping them anymore- since he thought so badly of me…

Then of course… I knew myself too well. Won’t leave them in lurch… Conscience always rides over my ego…

More and more wedding invites came wafting in.. Give it another 1 year and I’ll be presiding over a mini club of the Singles, trying to uncover and dish out any possible dirt and unhappiness in the theoretical blissful life of the Marrieds.
So we can gloat and laugh over..
So that we can pat on each other back, pleased with the smart decision we have made….
Ok ok.. I know.. it sounds so pathetic and sore..

Was pretty upset to know that one of my friends got married last month… Can accept the fact that I was not on the guests list as it was a small, intimate wedding dinner. But the fact that I’ve been so ill-informed about his marriage and moving into my estate at such latest timing ever.. left me in quite a disappointment.

He was someone whom I was close with in the past. We didn’t end up romantically together- like a prank from God, I chosen someone over him, only to realize after years, that I have made the silliest blunder and have lived to regret it till now…
We have tried to keep in contact but somehow, there’s awkwardness always lurking around..

Hmmm... Come to think about it. It was not the first time I was distraught over someone’s wedding…

S kept my spirits up during those days in Grand Hyatt. After the infamous, disastrous affair with D, S took the time and patience to distract me from thinking and regretting too much. We became best of friends in the face of the stressful job and free time to spare during the spilt shifts. Soon, too close for friendly comfort. It was wrong- as he had a longtime girlfriend and wedding plans was undertaking.

As expected, things happened. Emotions ran amok. We protected our sane by pretending that each other no longer existed.

Shortly, he got married. Thought that he might use this joyous occasion to break the ice between us. Thought of giving him my truest blessing on this important day of his... Never have the chance, as I was, again not on the invite list.

We are just so prone to make the same mistakes again and again. Even when we get burnt and hurt. Even when we know that it is wrong.
People just can’t get out of the comfort zone drawn around themselves and their life- make the same decisions and the same mistakes. I‘m starting to doubt my judgment in men. All my life, I kept falling for the wrong guys. I never seem to be able to break away from that repetitive, self-destroying cycle, even with that perceived riper maturity at fast increasing age.

On Saturday, I saw A with his new girlfriend (who resembled strongly like my dear Lynn) in Town. Realized this could be on of the reasons why he was behaving so strangely cold to me. Didn’t call out to him- guess it will be quite uncomfortable to.

Got a hunch that I gonna be on someone’s Uninvited wedding guests list again…

Wonder if I ever gonna get used to this....