Before time runs out

Feeling totally wretched about my overseas studies plan. There are tons of feedbacks from people around me. Some are superbly encouraging while the disheartening ones get stuck in that pessimistic part of my brain.

Those down to earth will tell me that I am of certain age- I should be thinking about settling down with a stable job, starting a family and such…. Instead of carrying such a heavy financial burden for 10 years.

They could be right. After all, blissful marriages, filial children and carefree retirements are the ultimate goals we seek in life. I could almost feel ashamed that I am NOT even thinking about these at all, like a normal woman should.

But please do give me a break. I don’t think I can stomach such nice little life.

To begin with- where is my to-be husband?

Should I let my hard-earned Dip with Merit go to waste? I have slogged and fought hard to keep my grades to Distinctions- not because I need to get a good husband. I simply want to do the best in this path I have chosen.

A curious little woman I am, who wants to see the World. Not contented with just one small fraction of the World~ The mini but mighty Singapore…. Give the World to meee, Baby! Yaah!.
For clarification, I am not even aiming to be a CEO or whatsoever. Those high flyers’ politics games are too complex and disturbing for my simple self.

All I wanted is a career that I am proud of. That brings me to exciting new heights of life constantly! I just can’t be stuck in a monotone pace of life... Blame it on my star sign, Gemini

I am truly not easily satisfied. So much so that I want to toughen and excite myself for the challenges ahead~ by living it out in a foreign land.
Ok.. I must admit I am currently begging Ethan and Gerald to take leave and accompany me to Australia for a brotherly morale support- Now that Lynn is most likely to stay in Singapore..

Of course the humongous debt did faze my determination; in fact the whole financial aspect is pulling me under. Days after days, I tried to speculate the risk I am going to take- that I’m getting a bit grouchy now.

The more I think about it.. the further Brisbane stays away from me.

So many times, that we find ourselves trapped in situations that a final decision is to be made. You falter and fret; counting the sleepless nights that refuse to let you forget about the issue on hand. We are scared. Petrified of failures. Apprehensive of the future that we can’t see. Totally unwilling to make a fool of ourselves for wasting an ounce of the precious time. We fear about the consequences that follow after a personal decision has been made.

But fear is inevitable in our life. It is present all the time, irritating but very much indispensable. It is the only thing that keeps us on our toes and not taking things for granted. We fear that we will end up penniless, thus we move our lazy bums and seek jobs. We fear that no one will love us, thus we pick up the courage and seek love.

Fear gives us the courage to take risks.

Gerald once asked me in front of a group of old pals at a belated Christmas cum housewarming party-

“Qiaohui, what are you most afraid of?”

I took the question a tad more serious than expected and answered:
“That people will look down on me. That I’m not as good as they have thought.”

The party fell in discomfited silence and Gerald broke it by announcing that he was afraid of flying cockroaches.

But I’m not ashamed to admit it.

A close friend once said that I did things ever so enthusiastically; only to give up halfway when it is no longer fun or new. He held his perception of me in line with the assumption that I would not be going permanently with that plan to study in Poly- I’ll give up studying eventually.

Feeling dignified, wronged and challenged, I did the best I could. Eventually, I graduated with flying colors.

Few donkey years ago, someone offered his few cents worth of advice to me.
“Ash, you can never make it in the service industry. You are not cut out for it at all.”
One year later, I became the youngest hotelier to be awarded with the highest score of performance appraisal in Grand Hyatt.

Fear of not living up to own and people’s expectations has always been the driving force behind my life. Now, guess you should be able to appreciate more why I am not going to be a normal woman going thru the average life cycle.

I just want to keep trying.
To attain what I sought for.
A fuller life. Before time runs out on me.