When I am gone

EDD: 16JUL ETD: 2125 DEST: BNE

I am going
Really going
And the thought frightens me

I feel like staying put
I wish I didn’t have to go
I wish I had taken up Imagine’s job offer
And continue a normal life like I always did

I wish I didn’t have to go all the way to a foreign land
And start the whole process of making new friends
There isn’t gonna be another Lynn Xie to say hi on the 1st day of school
To mark fantastic beginning of my Poly life

I will not be able to squabble and play rough with my sis
Fight with my bro for PC anymore
Or listen to my parents’ chatters about anything, everything
And hug Vodka for comfort when I am down.

I thought I would be strong
But tears fell on the keyboard as I typed
I know I am stepping into a new life
And I am gonna be fine with the girls by my side

This isn’t just about my hang-ups about the new stage
I am fretting about the things I have to leave for it
The people I have treasured and loved
The family who have sacrificed for me
The friends that have stood by me
The company I will die for to stay in

I hope the change worth them all
A silly wish it is
But I want time to stand still in Singapore
And nothing will change
At all

I do not have a god in my heart
But I am praying now
That everyone I loved will be safe in the good hands of God
When I am gone

The story of smart parents and a sickening dog

A chewed white lollipop stick. On my bed.

I threw it away in the wastepaper basket in my room. The next day, it appeared again- On my bed.

Made the effort to throw it in the dustbin in the kitchen and it made a miraculous appearance on my bed after 2 days.

I glared at Vodka ~ who seemed to sense it, gazed up dreamily from her sleep.
I rounded her up and thrust the offending stick into her view.
“Where did you get this from? Tell me! Tell me!”

With a big, lazy yawn, Vodka turned on her back and exposed that big fat belly for some stroking and petting. I rolled my eyes in defeat and began to stroke her while baffling over the mystery. Where did the stick come from. Who brought a lollipop back? Why does Vodka love to chew on it so freaking much?

This time, I decided to dispose it down the rubbish chute- once and for all.

One week later, that eerie Thing manifested on my bedroom floor, taunting me ~
"Yoooo hooo… I’m back!”

Apart from pulling my hair out, I remembered flinging it hastily out of the window, while pondering over the rationality of me under a spell. Someone is… spying on me with that Thing! I am haunted!
Haa! Now, try flying back to me now!
- - - - - -
Needless to say, just like in the horror movies, when one thought she was safe from the monster, it usually came back in full force for her.

This time, after 2 weeks, it made its appearance with its partner.
TWO. White. Chewed. Sticks. On. My. Bed.

This is no longer mystery for a junior to solve. I needed urgent back up.

‘This. Have been appearing on my bed for months. I really need you guys to tell me what it is. Now.”

My parents looked up quizzically from their newspapers, then to that Thing on the table.

Mom stifled a laugh while Dad examined that Thing under his large glasses. Then they looked at each other for a moment before Dad said in a most, as a matter of fact tone:
“This must be a cotton bud stick.”
“What?!”
“Vodka must have going through the rubbish bins for these cotton buds and chewed off the ends. On your bed, that is.” Mom hurriedly offered her invaluable input.
“You mean… those cotton buds that we use to clean our ears…? Those soiled ones?”
“Yeah.” Dad folded his arms in satisfaction.

Our eyes fell on that disgusting culprit that was lying by our feet, furiously licking her belly; totally oblivious of the trouble she was in now.

VODKAAAA!!!

Past

There he was.
Looking exactly the same since the day he left me clutching my chest, withholding the terrible pain within.

This wasn’t what I wanted for this much-anticipated encounter. At least not in an unflattering Motorola Jersey and haggard, oily face, haggling over the phone with my supplier while looking very much lost in Raffles City ~trying to find my way to the bus stop.

Call me pathetic but at least I am bold enough to admit that I wanted him to see me in a radiant glow with a confident stride across his path. Sending the message of ‘I’m doing great, superb, uber excellent without you- in my life.’

I am not being hung up on him. Definitely not.
Hell it is so Not.

For some reasons, when I turned and faced the greatest disappointment of my life, there was a phony smile plastered on my face, irritation clouded with disgust filled my head. As we struggled to make polite niceties, I can’t help but wonder how could I even allow this guy break me down? How could I even allow myself to be pleasant to a guy who had betrayed our relationship and claimed that he was actually leaving me for the God?

It was only then, realization dawn upon me.
I have been despising him. And I have yet to forgive him.

Is it okay for me to remain loathing someone who hurt me deeply; yet his leaving turned out to be one of the best things that can ever happened to me?

Cos without him by my side, I have flew higher and shone brighter than ever.
I have the fortune of experiencing the sweetest and generous love that Az had showered me with.
I explored the world without a worry.
And I was released from his unsettling problems, which have suffocated me for 2 years.
And I learnt that most awful things that happened, they are here for a reason and it usually turns into our favor ultimately.

I guess you might be thinking that~ Ash, in that case, you should open your heart and accept him as a friend again.

Nah, I can’t. It is too tiring and mentally straining to forgive. Keeping him out of my sight and life is much easier.

Not DEAD

Please be informed that this Blog is not vacated nor deserted.
Will resume operations after work dedications for CommunicAsia from 20th June to 23rd June 2006 are over.