Affirmations

It is almost humiliating to be motivated by a mere stranger. And I will be a total sucker if I believe her relentlessly.

But I really wish I can.

In a not so magical ambience, I have my fortune forecasted in a little tent, over the 9 tarot cards and palms lines, discounting the presence of a electrifying crystal ball, with the clairvoyant straining to make herself heard over the noises from the bar beside us.

According to her, my life is perfect. Everything gonna just happened for me within these few months. Period.

How easier it seemed, to make my life in Gold Coast easier… and much optimistically? Not that I am having a tough time here… just like what some of you have envied… a dishwasher, clothes dyer, gym and pool facilities, Chiam’s huge ‘limousine’ that’s always oil-thirsty and easy access to the beaches… I am basically leading a lavish and sheltered lifestyle, at the slow pace of the host country. It’s too relaxing for me…. I fretted at doing nothing…. Ended up performing major cleaning for my room twice a week, buying plants to look after and shopping till my wallet bled.

Nice little life... But I can’t help but wonder.. Where are all these leading to?

Here am I, in a life without my constant companions (and darling Vodka). Waiting impatiently to see what’s gonna compensate the sacrifices in this land of promises. I saw none.. and felt terribly disheartened. I refrained from thinking or even saying out loud that I missed home. I don’t wish to acknowledge it at all cos it dampened my fighting spirit that is trying hard to keep afloat in this foreign land.

The truth is- there is a very fine line between adjusting and struggling. We all have struggled to adjust- and it’s sure not an easy ride. One moment you thought you are doing pretty fine.. and the next, reality crashed down on you, making your world so alien and uncaring. And I struggled. Putting up a fight so that I can adjust to the reality.

Maybe that is why overseas romances are so common. You need someone. He needs someone. And *Bang! Just like that, you guys find each other an essential floater in the rough sea.

Last night, it was a slow, tough one. I miserably fought the urge to call him for solace. Under no circumstances, I should be doing that. So, I remained struggling alone, in the cold, soundless night.

Should I take what the clairvoyant predicted as a source of driving force… so that I can get a grip and head on for the promising future? Will that be so naïve of me?

What if I let go? Will things take its nature path and turn out better than ever? The latter seems flawed… as we have been taught to be a go-getter. But perhaps that’s how fate takes its turn and heads towards you.

(Thanks, Lynn.. for that little pep talk)