Counting down

Dear Blog,

Can't express precisely how impatient I am, waiting for Wednesday to be here and be gone swiftly.....

When the day ends.... I am a free birdie, once again
When Thursday comes, I have all the time in the world to confide initmately in you- the Saga that happened to me all this while

When it finally come to an end...

Funny

Heard from 5 friends that they were discontented with their jobs- are seriously contemplating to quit.
3 of them, for sure, will be joining me at the Club of the Unwaged, soon before the end of this year.
How sad. Most of us practically have the identical reasons behind that unavoidable decision.
Lack of drive to work for someone who fails to recognize the value in you.
The Lack of Appreciation.

My friend confided in me last night. About how he was affected by his girlfriend’s parents’ biased opinions of him- To them, he is not good enough for their daughter. He can’t possibly provide for her comfort in the future.

He was deeply disturbed by the cruel criticisms - to the extent of slipping into depression. Think he had lost nights of sleep over the fact that someone has pined him down because of his scholar qualifications. Despite the tedious efforts he had put in all these years… To become who he is now.

I can understand how he feels. Totally.

I told him that why should he be bothered with a man’s opinion, that is solely based on his own reserved. narrow PERCEPTIONS?

I have always believed in him, recognize the goodness in him- so... why is he harping on the criticisms that comes from a man… where there’s tons of people who trusted and admired him?

Then I paused.

Am I taking my own advice as well???

Apparently, I am so not. Darn… I resent the fact that I have been slogging for the company yet my hard work is not being recognized. Ridiculously lame excuses like - I looked too YOUNG to be trusted… drove me mad. The excuses are so hurtful that I thought I would never, ever recovered from this self-esteem breaker…

Well.. till I heard myself telling to my friend:
“Why should you be bothered with 1 negative perception where you have 100 positive ones of you?”

So.. Why the heck should i care about what she thinks about me?

Have drafted my resignation letter…all ready for action tomorrow.

Am looking forward December to come. Can’t wait for the KL trip with Jasmine and Ally. Can’t wait for the family Christmas celebration. Can’t wait to work on my…..

Ssshhhh……… Secret mission in process… : )

Defeated with a reason

I can take it no more. I have given up the fight. Admitted defeat and bowing to it now.

I am quitting- right after my 3 months probation. Going through mixed feelings and thoughts now…

I am feeling guilty for giving up- it is so not my style. There might be one day I will look back in regrets, thinking what I should have do to rectify things and chide myself for being such a useless fool, an ultimate loser.

But on the other hand, when I looked at the pictures of the current me- I no longer look happy, despite beaming wide smiles. I am always on brink of tears. I dragged myself to work. And I find no pleasure in anything (maybe only food.. I have taken to order loads of food lately and not finishing them). I frown and fret whenever. I am no longer the crazy bouncing Ashley. I am disappearing…. fading into self- doubts and misery.

Always.
At certain stages of our life. We are forced to make tough decisions.
Ones that will affect the outcome of our own destiny.
Hesitate - no more. Cease procrastination.
After all, life’s too short.

Over the weekend at Hang Out hotel, I found my courage and the reason to give up. I was not at all energized with the break from the bugging problems on my mind and the hectic city life. In fact, I have been going back to office over the weekend too- with the delightful company from Jasmine (she is my only consolation left in the company. And Ally, I finally understand why you wanted to leave. ).

It was the tourists at the hotel. The sight of them, casually lounging in the hotel premises, struck a chord in my disturbed heart.

A pang of longing.
Memories of times in Prague. Standing on the Charles Bridge. Taking in that crisp, fresh air. Admiring the picturesque, touching scenery of the river. The loving old couple that took a slow stroll down the alley of the Old Town, hand in hand.
Not forgetting the loud, bustling chattering of the Chinese. The hard bargaining with the shrewd merchants at Shanghai marketplace.
I miss traveling… Miss hearing my delegates chattering about how much they have enjoyed the trip.

In fact, when an ex colleague recently asked me to lead a conference group to Kuching, I’m oh so tempted to. Damned enthusiastic about it. But I can’t afford to take leave for it. Thus I have to pass the offer with a heavy heart.

The hotel staff at Hang Out was great. They reminded me of the days in my earlier hotelier life- how I am so psyched and geared up to work everyday.
A reminder and realization of what I will be like when I am enjoying my work… Not like now- where distrust and prejudice took place- demoralizing every moment spent in the course of my job…. (Note: I still love events management….)

Anyway, this is the reason- sufficient for me to give up and start all over again.

I am not born to be a failure. I want to stand up again.

Wish me luck

Hang out

Have booked myself a hotel room with the 'Singapore best well-kept secret' Hotel for 2 nights....

Hang out Hotel......

Either I will chill out or hang myself there..

Thoughts

The dark sky never failed to pacify me when I am troubled. I remembered that I used to take time after work- to stand in the middle of the pavement and looked up to the sky. Without much effort and almost instantly, I will find myself reaching out to the sky, feeling the moist clouds brushing by my cheeks and getting closer to the stars. The sky holds a mystery and I am all set to discover it. Somehow, this brief instant of losing myself to the wild imagination had a great soothing effect over me.

12am . Sentosa . Tanjung Beach .

Again. It was beckoning me - to reach out and fly towards.
I raised my hands high up. Told him that I am flying ~ heading up to the sky.. To the haven where I run to when I am down the rut of problems. He laughed at my silliness.
Moments later, he outstretched his lanky arms and tried to imagine the flight to the sky. He told me that he almost got that fleeting feeling like me.
We were like a pair of old couple, lying on the deserted beach, looking up to the dark, cloudy sky and shared moments of comfortable silence. Minutes of waiting passed. Waiting for the sky to clear the clouds and unveiled the beautiful stars to us.
It did.
I felt good, with him and the sky for company.
Peacefulness

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Zouk was like a madhouse that night.
You were worried about me so you held on to me tight. As usual, you tried your best to protect me. I really appreciate it- but you were drunk. You became over-protective; I was anxious that a scuffle would break out soon. I didn’t want that. I hate that. Can’t help but was pissed with you that night. But it’s over now…
Thanks for your heartening message. Yes, I will still hold my head high despite of my problems.
Comforting to know that you will be looking out for me.
Thank you

* * * * * * * * * *
And you…
I will keep the promise I gave you
I will give up trying to figure you out. You have warned me before but I have been an obstinate little girl who persisted. And things just worsened.
Reminiscing about the past. It had been sweet. Guess both of us haven’t expect things to turn out like this.
Take care

Falling

Going crazy. Abnormal. Stupidly depressing

Plagued with a sinking, heavy feeling that I have no idea how to keep afloat in the turbulent water. No matter what I did to chase the gloom away, it was pointless. I felt trapped. Helpless. Nothing can cheer me up. Nothing at all.
Maybe I should give it up.. Everything I have now - but what exactly do I have now?
I have no idea that work can drive me so dejected like this. No idea how humongous my pride in work is… till now. Suffocated… demoralized and awfully vulnerable.

Used to think that I have high resilience power to overcome any obstacles that stood in my way. But not now, apparently

I have stopped dead in the midst of a tough journey with tears in my eyes. Have cowered into a corner, shielding myself with silence.
But that dreaded feeling wouldn’t disappear, despite my pleas…

Brace up. Before you are swallowed by darkness of melancholy….

I know that I can’t escape. Will hate myself for doing that. I can only but move on. I will persist till I collapse. At least I have tried my best- didn’t I?

Thanks for believing in me. You always tell me that I am strong and independent- that’s why you are so in love with me. Now that you seen the other side of me yet you didn’t stay away. You believe that I will be up and bouncing again.

I will