Defeated with a reason

I can take it no more. I have given up the fight. Admitted defeat and bowing to it now.

I am quitting- right after my 3 months probation. Going through mixed feelings and thoughts now…

I am feeling guilty for giving up- it is so not my style. There might be one day I will look back in regrets, thinking what I should have do to rectify things and chide myself for being such a useless fool, an ultimate loser.

But on the other hand, when I looked at the pictures of the current me- I no longer look happy, despite beaming wide smiles. I am always on brink of tears. I dragged myself to work. And I find no pleasure in anything (maybe only food.. I have taken to order loads of food lately and not finishing them). I frown and fret whenever. I am no longer the crazy bouncing Ashley. I am disappearing…. fading into self- doubts and misery.

Always.
At certain stages of our life. We are forced to make tough decisions.
Ones that will affect the outcome of our own destiny.
Hesitate - no more. Cease procrastination.
After all, life’s too short.

Over the weekend at Hang Out hotel, I found my courage and the reason to give up. I was not at all energized with the break from the bugging problems on my mind and the hectic city life. In fact, I have been going back to office over the weekend too- with the delightful company from Jasmine (she is my only consolation left in the company. And Ally, I finally understand why you wanted to leave. ).

It was the tourists at the hotel. The sight of them, casually lounging in the hotel premises, struck a chord in my disturbed heart.

A pang of longing.
Memories of times in Prague. Standing on the Charles Bridge. Taking in that crisp, fresh air. Admiring the picturesque, touching scenery of the river. The loving old couple that took a slow stroll down the alley of the Old Town, hand in hand.
Not forgetting the loud, bustling chattering of the Chinese. The hard bargaining with the shrewd merchants at Shanghai marketplace.
I miss traveling… Miss hearing my delegates chattering about how much they have enjoyed the trip.

In fact, when an ex colleague recently asked me to lead a conference group to Kuching, I’m oh so tempted to. Damned enthusiastic about it. But I can’t afford to take leave for it. Thus I have to pass the offer with a heavy heart.

The hotel staff at Hang Out was great. They reminded me of the days in my earlier hotelier life- how I am so psyched and geared up to work everyday.
A reminder and realization of what I will be like when I am enjoying my work… Not like now- where distrust and prejudice took place- demoralizing every moment spent in the course of my job…. (Note: I still love events management….)

Anyway, this is the reason- sufficient for me to give up and start all over again.

I am not born to be a failure. I want to stand up again.

Wish me luck